Moments of self discovery

Recently I had a breakthrough in understanding myself. I was riding along in Jacki's car with Zoey in my lap, and we were on our way to a new park. We enjoy taking Zoey to new parks so we can roam around and she can explore. It was a pretty day, not to warm but not cold and the sun was shining.

For some reason I just wasn't enjoying the car ride. The trip just didn't seem like something I wanted to be doing. I'm wasn't sure why I was suddenly uncomfortable with the idea of going to the park, but I was. So I took a moment and I delved inside this being I inhabit and I had an epiphany.

I like to be in control. Now some of you may read this and laugh at the notion of me in control. All in all I am a mellow person. I don't try to enforce my wants and desires on anyone, and I think I'm a pretty easy going guy. But I swear in my own odd way I'm not comfortable when I can't control a situation.

For example, normally I do the driving. I've find that when I'm forced to ride passenger, regardless of who it's with, I feel a little antsy in the car. I'm constantly thinking of suggestions and critiques of the person driving and it makes me uncomfortable just to sit there. And 90 percent of the time I'd say the person I'm riding with is a perfectly fine driver. It's just something about me not having control that bothers me. As a passenger I'm a subjugated to the driver's will.

I also figured out that this is why I am reluctant to venture in to large groups of people. I loose control of a situation when large masses of people gather. It's not that I would want control, but its just that there are so many variables and unknowns that I can't ensure myself's safety and mental well being. Trying to watch all the various people and interactions makes me seem paranoid and causes the function to loose most of it's appeal.

And finally being somewhat of a loner allows me to escape from all the ties that society impress on human interactions. By staying quiet and minding my business I retain a modicum of control. I forgo loosing my voice or will to a person with a stronger personality by removing myself from their influence and therefore ensuring I have a say even if it is a small one.

I'm not sure why all this snapped into clarity but it hit me out of the blue and I was amazed.